I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
