Where is the hickey?
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
