Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
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Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
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We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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