If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
