Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
