there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize