Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Holy shit dude........stairs
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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