Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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