i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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