Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Say something about gay babies.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
