i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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