Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
