What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
