Whatcha textin bout Willis?
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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