My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
