I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
