You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
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Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
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I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
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