so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
