thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
