I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
