Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
