I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
