he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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