Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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