Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout