Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Two words: nipple clamps
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