I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
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Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
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I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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