I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
