I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
