Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
