i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Randomize
