I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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