hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
