I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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