...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
My balls are so social today.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Randomize
