Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
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I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
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I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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