Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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