Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
