Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
