You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
