You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
You've changed since you got that strap on
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
