Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Randomize
