pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I don't deserve a penis
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
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