My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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