the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
it's like heaven, but drunker
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
