i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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