I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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