I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
