I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
