i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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