New low: just hacked my moms facebook
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
