He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
