My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
