i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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