So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
