I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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