i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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