we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck